The Importance of Vitamins

For years, I have suffered from insomnia. I have tried all kinds of remedies from Kava Kava to Trazadone, but lately I came to a realization thanks to a Dr. John Selig. John is the stepfather of one of my best friends, and a month or so ago I had a chat with him during which he asked me to rub my index finger across the top of my thumbnail to detect any ridges that might be there. Mine was full of them. He related that this was a sign that I was vitamin deficient, and I agreed, as my diet is a horrible one. Based on this, I made a resolution to get back into taking vitamins again, but since I have a hard time swallowing the damned things, I haven't been very consistent in the past. (Choking for like 10 minutes followed by yacking them up will do that to you...) Soon after this when we were at the store, Jenn noticed some gummi vitamins that were for adults, so I decided to give 'em a shot. Usually I question the authenticity of any vitamins sold at Wal-Mart, but it seems like the better the vitamin, the bigger the pill. These suckers turned out to be the best vitamins I've had to date! I could feel the energy after the first day or so! What's more, I have had much less trouble sleeping. I used to depend on energy drinks to keep me going through the day and had developed a one-per-weekday habit. Now I'm good to go without that stuff. It's great! I'm thinking that one plus of chewing them is that the vitamins may get more readily absorbed in this manner. So, if you guys are insomniacs or just find yourself dragging through the day, you might want to get on some vitamins that work for you. Like I say, I've fought this stuff for years and nothing has really helped consistently but this.

The end of a quick day, and another piece of the puzzle...

From my perspective, it can truly be said that time flies. My work day went by without a hitch, and as usual I had many conversations with different folks whom I find fascinating.

Since I didn't have anyone to see at the clinic this evening, I went by to see my grandparents again. My grandmother was in a better place today. She didn't really say much but was at least able to recognize who I was, and she would giggle about simple things. My father came with me, and mostly we just talked to my granddad. He told us one detail of the fabric of his life which I was unaware of tonight - it is for these bits of information that I am the most attentive. His father was named Hiram Taylor, and it has long been a part of our family history that Hiram left my great-grandmother with many children and moved out to California on his own. My grandfather never forgave him for this. He told us tonight how one day when he was on an air base during the war, he was told he had a visitor. That visitor turned out to be his father, who at this time was driving a really nice Buick and doing well for himself. Apparently Hiram knew some celebrities out in Hollywood (which my granddad couldn't remember the names of) and wished to take my granddad out to see them, but my granddad refused. He also tried to give him $40 upon leaving. "That was a lot back in those days... but I wouldn't take it..."

Sunday evening

Last night I spent some time with three of my dearest old friends. One of them - Jason - was just back here in his home town shortly before returning to where he actually lives now in Dallas. I brought some musical equipment out to my dad's house (which included 2 guitars, a bass, and a microphone) so that we could be as loud as we wanted to be (dad lives out past the city limits), and basically we got hammered and played music late into the night. It was a welcome reprieve from my recent stressors involving my girlfriend's son Michael and facing the reality of my grandmother's steady decline into the nightmarish haze of dementia. Jason is a graphic artist as well as a musician. In fact, he's the one that introduced me to a lot of alternative punky metal type stuff as I was growing up - stuff like the Dead Kennedys and Danzig. He's really good at playing covers, and we all drew great enjoyment from belting out songs from the Misfits as he played my ESP MH-400NT at an earsplitting volume. "I WANT YOUR SKULL! I NEED YOUR SKULL!"
I can't believe my dad slept through most of that, but he was snoozing toward the end in his chair in the midst of us.

I found it also helpful to immerse myself in everyday duties. I went to the store by myself and just really took my time Saturday. This was right after eating some Chinese food which didn't agree with me, and as a result I had to take the "Wal-Mart poo," as I referred to it when telling Jennifer of my experience. You never know what you're going to find when you go in there, and it is for this reason that the Wal-Mart poo is a very final option when all others have been exhausted. I went to the restrooms at the back of the store thinking that it might be less populated. The first of two stalls was locked but did not have any feet that could be seen which means that some asshole kid must've took the trouble of locking it from the inside and crawling out underneath, sliding through the unspeakable nastiness of the Wal-Mart bathroom floor in order to complete the feat. That left me with the handicap-accessible stall in the very back. Cringing from urgent cramps, I gazed at the head and found that on the back part of the lid there was the unmistakable shit-stain, complete with a happy fly who was exploring it. I seated myself on the front part of the seat, made my deposit, and was soon on my way...A somewhat-related joke I heard last week which has really stuck with me and which I will leave you with:

"Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh..."

the cards speak to me

I decided to give myself a Tarot reading last night. It had been a long time since I have touched my cards which lay on a bookshelf next to my bed.

The first card in my Celtic spread was the Ace of Wands, crossed by the Two of Pentacles. Death was at the top of the cross, and the Hanged Man was set in the future place. My foundation was the Emperor, and in my past was the Four of Swords. In the final outcome, I got the Five of Cups. I was thinking to myself, this is heavy with Death and change and reversal and loss... Where is that in my life? Then today I learn after work that a) my grandmother has had another one of her manic dementia spells and b) my fiance's kid got kicked out of day care after only being there a few days this summer. The cards were clearly telling me that for a while now my shit's been really solid and positive but that my fortune was soon going to change.

What is the lesson of loss? It is that there is always something left over...

I have my sunny day, but...

...here I am sitting inside. Indeed, 'tis the end of my 4-day weekend and I can't help but feel a little crestfallen. Actually free time brings with it its own perils, such as pointing out how poorly focused I often am. The bottom line is that I think too much.

Michael (my girlfriend's son), my father, and I did go to take a walk in the woods at a place called Lee Creek Reservoir outside of Van Buren. We've been there many times. My dad actually grew up within a few miles of there, and it's a beautiful trail with a creek and many rocky outcroppings. Unfortunately today's walk was cut short because Michael was feeling sick and asked us to go back almost as soon as we arrived. That kinda sucked.

I probably need to be preparing for the next day's day treatment activities (I work in a day treatment which serves the chronically mentally ill) but I'm feeling wholly unmotivated. The house is quiet. Jenn is reading some kind of vampire novel in the living room. Michael is in his room watching TV. And I am here getting buzzed on what's left of this weekend's alcohol. If you have the time and inclination, I would highly recommend the following beverage - the recipe of which is found here: http://www.webtender.com/db/drink/4718

I feel content, but I do have to pee a lot.

Changing Times

Though I realize I have very very few readers at this time anyway I still wanted to keep posting here but found that I had to struggle with logging in. First they had a login for Blogger and then they wanted you to use Gmail, and since I don't hardly ever use Gmail I had to dig out the old password I had created when I made up the Gmail account just for the Blogger's purpose... Whew!

the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.” - Albert Einstein

-o-

Something that I've found to be very effective and meaningful in my spiritual development is a ritual called the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram (LBRP). I first learned it from Donald Michael Kraig's Modern Magick and have performed it on and off for years now. Lately, I have come back to it, and I can really tell the difference on such things as dream recall, for instance. I see ritual as a moving meditation, and this simple yet effective performance is such a good example of that. The archetypal elements of Earth, Air, Fire, and Water come together and are purified in you. When I look to the east and visualize air, I use the memory of when I used to walk off of Skyline Drive near my home and sit on a cliff's edge to look off into the distance past the river and miles beyond. When I look to the south and visualize fire, I imagine a desert landscape with the sand beneath me and the hot sun baking into my flesh. When I look to the west and visualize water, I usually imagine a waterfall or a babbling brook from one of my nature hikes in the nearby hills. And finally when I look to the north and visualize earth, I think of ferns and trees growing up between the moss-covered stones as I take in the fresh scent of the black soil. The next step is building the Archangels, and that's always been a bit more difficult for me because, of course, I don't have anything from direct experience to base them on. Raphael is perhaps the easiest, but the rest are more difficult for some reason.

This is a celestial magick - one far removed from that which the average person might think that magick is all about, i.e. conjuring demons or casting a spell to bring yourself some money, etc. This part of the Great Work helps to clean you up and strengthen your aura - it's kind of like taking an Astral Shower, if you will. When I did this in the past for any length of time, people around me reported experiencing "little nasties" or little spirits hanging about. These can lead you to feel like you're being watched or cause you to think you're seeing movement - like a shadow - right on the periphery of your vision. It used to really irritate my fiance at one point, but we don't notice them that much any more. I recall one of my most triumphant moments many years ago when a good friend came to spend the night with me up in Fayetteville at my apartment. He slept down in the living room where I had been doing my ritual work, and the next day while we were having lunch, he mentioned to me that "something" had been bothering him for most of the night - a shadow which kept bouncing up next to him in and out of his vision and causing him to feel weird. This friend may be a bit superstitious but is not one to really be all that open-minded into things spiritual at all. "I did that!" I exclaimed, and even though it wasn't an intentional result, I knew it meant that I was really making some ripples on the Astral Plane.

This ritual is such a great one for setting apart a sacred space, both physically and mentally. I do it in combination with the Middle Pillar, which just energizes some of the central chakras, and a standard sitting meditation. It's helping me to scrape off the dross of my anxious thoughts and put into motion some thought forms which gather the good stuff to them. Slowly I am beginning to separate the story of me from the reality of who I really am...

For those of you who may be interested in this, here's a really great document I found long ago which describes the ritual and the theory behind it in nice simple terms:

The Essential Skills of Magick

If any of you have had experiences with this ritual, please let me know!

The Process of Unlearning

Essentially what we reach for in spiritual practice is a reversal of things that we commonly would strive for on the earthly plane – it is a letting go. Being as a little child in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven involves forgetting your differences and judgments. Arguably we are encased in flesh because we have identified so much with this life. We are all bits of God who have hidden themselves in the world of time and form, reveling in the tension of separateness to be able to feel the thrum of the dualities such as love and hate, power and weakness, pain and pleasure, and so on. After some time living on the Earth plane, we get lost and become so fixated on matter that we lose sense of where we really came from – Nothingness! To be born necessitates having to die someday because that is the way of form – like the alchemists say: solve et coagula. In the world, gathering knowledge is given great respect because it can pave the way to a great career and give you the ability to do things. However, part of the true purpose of the Path is the Forgetting – the Leaving Behind. At the same time, though, it can be said that in approaching the Spirit, you are learning how to forget. It’s kind of like trying to describe to someone what the sound of one hand clapping is…

Presence

I'm continually delighted by the fact that my job as a mental health paraprofessional so often dovetails with my own desire for personal growth. On Saturday I used a Books-A-Million gift card which I procured from my girlfriend's parents at Christmas to buy a couple of therapy books which have already proven to be very useful. One of these - The Relaxation & Stress Reduction Workbook by Davis, Eshelman and McKay (sixth edition) - has a whole chapter on focusing, which in the book's therapeutic context is a kind of present awareness of where one's feelings are along with being able to articulate them. I guess it's pointing toward the classic therapy thing about getting in touch with your feelings and so forth. Anyway, Exercise 1 on page 119 is called "The Shy Animal at the Edge of the Woods". It's so simple yet so profound... Basically, it asks you to imagine that you are taking a walk on a beautiful day and happen to spot a wild animal looking back at you from a woodsy grove. You want to continue to watch the creature so you become as still as possible. The final question is "What are the qualities or attitudes you would embody so the animal won't get scared and run away?" I just love that analogy, because the inner landscape is exactly that delicate and tenuous. So often we lose touch with ourselves and pay no heed to the mind-body connection. This kind of redirection of focus hinted at in the above exercise allows one to get to a place where overwhelming emotions no longer override our judgment.

Of Thought and Judgment

I think about a lot of things all day long. My thoughts are a continuous stream of memories and reflections - an unceasing torrent of imaginative wanderings. I suppose by Decartes' rationale that this is a good thing because such experiences demonstrate that I am alive. However, the weight of these thoughts are as such that it is sometimes difficult to enjoy myself. One very obnoxious comic named Doug Stanhope did a segment called "Carnival Head" on one of his albums (No Refunds) in which he describes the times he's tried to go to sleep without the aid of alcohol or other drugs while lying in a motel room alone:

"I have a brain that just won't shut the fuck up... 1 AM, 2 AM... That's when the carnival inside my head starts... There's always music playing in there that sucks... 'We didn't start the fire!' Hmm... There must be something that rhymes with orange... Then, my ex-wife gets in there: 'You never took me to the Botanical Gardens!'"

I often can't sleep either, and for me such an observation hit the nail on the head with its intimation of such obsessive thoughts. Lately, I've been listening more to such mainstream New Agers like Eckhart Tolle, and even though I don't particularly like the increasing commercialism that seems to be becoming more evident in his organization's thought stream, I really like what he has to say. In his book The Power of Now, he says "The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly—you usually don't use it at all. It uses you" (page 13). Like most of the other such observations in his book, that insight has been around for centuries, but he has found a really down-to-earth way to express it which people have really responded to. Thoughts become fueled by our emotional reactions to them and perpetuate themselves thus. It's almost as though they have a life of their own, and that, too, has been said many times before. Tolle goes on to say in one of his talks that "all thought is judgment," and I think that's a profound statement.

In the Tarot, the suit of Swords represents the power of thought. To do its job, a blade separates one thing from another by cutting. The mind by nature is inquisitive, and the whole process of making sense of something is based on the determination of how one thing is not like another. That's the bedrock of science - drawing the line between the rational and the irrational. But spend too much time trying to make things fit and put them into the right boxes and you have become irrational yourself and have lost sight of the elusive truth. The sword cuts both ways.

The realization of an empty space within is essential for spiritual growth. Lao-tse said it best: "We turn clay to make a vessel, but it is on the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the vessel depends." What do you think Jesus meant when he said "unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven"? A child is pure because he or she does not have a lot of hard-wired preconceived ideas about things just yet. He or she hasn't really learned how to hate - that would involve some serious judgment. In order to hate, you have to have enough of a developed sense of self to say "How could they do this to me!" A child can become utterly fascinated by a bug crawling along some rocks because the mind that's observing the bug is not saying to itself "oh, it's just a bug," classifying it, and stowing it away with all the other boxed up memories in the Memory Closet. The child's mind is grooving to the experience of bugness.

Flight

When I was about 14 or so, I had a spontaneous out-of-body experience. I got out of bed in the middle of the night as one does to go to the toilet half-consciously only to find that I was shorter or lower to the ground somehow than usual. I looked at the light switch in the dark, and then back at the bed. "I" was still there - my body anyway... The part of me that was watching all of this slowly realized what was happening and was delighted! I merely had a thought of the garage and was then instantly transported thereto. I did all manner of somersaults and flips Bruce Lee-style which I could never have accomplished in real life. I teleported again - this time outside the house in front of the kitchen window. The pinnacle of the whole experience came when I jumped from here all the way above the gable of the house and hung there for several minutes. Everything was so crisp and clear in the night air. I could see all the details of the roof and the limbs of the trees from this unique perspectives. Afterwards, I flew toward the ground at lightning speed but just touched down lightly as a feather. Such an experience left me thirsting for more, and I did achieve occasional projections like this. But they were never quite like that...

I think that I had been doing some version of Regardie's Middle Pillar Technique before bedtime. Come to think of it, I should begin doing that again. If you do it right, you can feel the energies of your body awakening, and you get them going. So many things punch holes in our auras these days, and if you work to seal them up, then all kinds of good things can happen to you... Like soul travel....