COMING BACK TO THE BLOG

So...  I have been off work since last Friday with what turned out to be Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease!  My right foot especially still looks quite nasty, but the fever left early this week as well as the pain for the most part.  I've quarantined myself back here to my father's house and have not left for days.  Jennifer's stepdad came down with this same illness just a few days before.  I have not been around him or any children (by which the disease is primarily spread) except for Jennifer's son Michael.  A couple of weeks ago, I took three days off to spend with Michael and help him in the wake of a foot surgery he'd had.  During that time, he was diagnosed with strep throat (but not formally tested).  Though he had a sore throat and a high fever but no other symptoms, I think he was the source of the virus for me and Jennifer's stepdad.  Michael does not wish to think it so.  However, any way you slice it, the results are the same...

Among other things, I have realized that once again I have forgotten totally about this blog.  Sorry blog...

I've taken this week as a kind of spiritual retreat, and it's been pleasant.  I've delved further into the spiritual perception which is termed Advaita - non-duality.  All is one!  Adyashanti - afore-mentioned in my blog - speaks from this perspective.  But my recent interest stemmed from a YouTube video which was presented one day as a suggestion based on other videos that I'd watched.  The guy's name is Rupert Spira, and he really has a good way of describing mind, the knowledge of our own being, and so forth.  I also discovered a man named Rick Archer and his YouTube channel entitled "Buddha at the Gas Pump" through which he interviews people who have had experiences with enlightenment or similar spiritual insights.  


I have attended satsang in one way or another throughout this entire week via cyberspace!  I have been thinking a lot of the dichotomy of realizing the awareness of all which is complete in and of itself and seeks nothing else on one hand and the need for a teacher or process to help continue to point the way - to be that finger pointing at the moon - on the other hand.  Thus, listening to these various teachers has given me a new perspective to work with in meditation - the classic practice which I have neglected for months but have come back to this week.  Instead of struggling with my thoughts during the observation, I have been more recently able to simply allow things to be and expect less as I go.  I've been THINKING too much about this.  Imagine that!  There is so much to say and comment on, but I will save these insights for later posts.

SCATTERED

     All throughout my life, I have felt scattered.  One of my early journals, entitled the "Captain's Log," was actually subtitled as "the Story of a Man Trying to Get His Shit Together" (but unfortunately that chronicle has been lost to history).  Nature (as pictured above) has helped me to feel grounded, but even so I have a hard time staying focused.  Honestly, I'm surprised that I made it as far as I did academically, as I now hold a master's degree in Community Counseling.  I'm suffering under the spell of the great cacophony that is our modern culture.  As many of my peers have already done, I could probably meet the criteria for adult ADD and get legally prescribed stimulants which would increase my focus tenfold.  I have considered this.  However, my main concern with that is that I already have trouble sleeping as it is.  What would happen if I added amphetamines on top of that?  Probably nothing good...

     Lately, I have been reading a book which I bought in Dallas some time ago at one of their Half Price Books stores.  The book is called Positive Energy, and it's by a psychiatrist named Judith Orloff.  Yes, it's some mainstream New Agey-type stuff, but it's got some good ideas contained therein.  She has brought together some ideas and insights which I have heard before from other occult sources and grouped them under what she calls "Energy Psychiatry".  The book gives useful little bites of simple exercises designed to ground you, insulate you from the negative energies of your environment, and build your intuition safely.

     I like the idea of the subtle energy fields of the body and relate strongly to them.  In fact, some of the best work on myself that I ever did had to do with when I engaged in the Middle Pillar ritual nightly before I went to bed.  If you simply make an effort to look within and feel where your energy is body-wise, you will not be disappointed. 
    

CONFOUNDED, THOUGH IMMORTAL...

"Nine times the space that measures day and night         
To mortal men, he, with his horrid crew, 
Lay vanquished, rowling in the fiery gulf, 
Confounded, though immortal..."

 

For many years, I have been very enamored with the idea that we are all each bits of Spirit that has splintered off and fallen into Matter.  To me such a hypothesis rings true.  For a lot of spiritual beliefs, there is this reigning dualistic thought that Matter is "evil" and Spirit is "good".  On one hand, I want to say that this is an oversimplification of what's really going on, but on the other, I know that the more that one speaks of the inexplicable, the farther away from Truth one strays.  It is what it is.  And so life is some amount of questioning with some amount of acceptance, some amount of judgment with a an equal measure of mercy, and some amount of certainty along with some amount of mystery.  This is what keeps life interesting... 

THAT'S ALL

     I like Adyashanti.  He is one of the many spiritual teachers and philosophers that I have had the pleasure of listening to throughout my last couple of years in which I have commuted to work (close to an hour's voyage one way).  I've gone back and forth as to how I feel about gurus who present themselves and their teachings so readily in the public eye, but this particular guy to me is one who, regardless, points the way and makes sense - at least most of the time.  I've picked this clip above particularly so you could listen to 44:00 and the experience he describes.  He recounts a happenstance in which he sees a kind of series of many different past lifetimes in which he could approach individually, notice a person in each scenario as who once was himself, and in each of these experiences there was a "core of spiritual confusion" which he was drawn to interact with - such as one in which "he" was in the process of drowning.  He would go to these points and to the "me" that was there and literally whisper words of clarification into his own ear ("You're dying.  That's all...").  "I would see exactly what I needed to bring completion to it...  Each time there would be this resolution...  and I could feel a resolution in this moment - this life stream..."  I really dig that.  It's so much like processing in individual therapy - just making sense of something that happened - of untying a knot in consciousness - and releasing that energy by coming to a sense of closure.

     Letting it be.  That's the thing.

     Once you get to a certain point, you can speak from your perspective continually without really thinking about it and still speak the truth.  It flows.  You flow.  Each points the way.  "Like a tale of little meaning tho' the words are strong..."  What is meaning anyway but what we attribute to it in the first place?

     This makes me think of the movie Jacob's Ladder from back in 1990 and perhaps its most pivotal scene.  The main character (played by Tim Robbins) meets with his chiropractor, who is really his guardian angel.  They begin to talk about Meister Eckhart.  I've never done any research on Eckhart to try and find this, but I did buy a book of collected works by him inspired by this conversation.  This conversation came about when Tim Robbins' character was telling the angel about how he was seeing demons coming out of the walls at him.  It began simply: "I'm afraid of dying, Louis..."

"Eckhart saw Hell too; he said: 'the only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you,' he said. 'They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.'"

I'm so used to being me.  It's what I do best, actually.  But what happens when "me" ceases to be?  That's the ultimate question, isn't it?  The true source of all philosophy.  How do we come to terms with our own demise?  How do we make peace in that regard?  How do we stop looking for more?

LIGHT

HAIL holy light, ofspring of Heav'n first-born,
Or of th' Eternal Coeternal beam
May I express thee unblam'd? since God is light,
And never but in unapproachèd light
Dwelt from Eternitie, dwelt then in thee,
Bright effluence of bright essence increate.
Or hear'st thou rather pure Ethereal stream,
Whose Fountain who shall tell? before the Sun,
Before the Heavens thou wert, and at the voice
Of God, as with a Mantle didst invest
The rising world of waters dark and deep,
Won from the void and formless infinite.
Thee I re-visit now with bolder wing,
Escap't the Stygian Pool, though long detain'd
In that obscure sojourn, while in my flight
Through utter and through middle darkness borne
With other notes then to th' Orphean Lyre
I sung of Chaos and Eternal Night,
Taught by the heav'nly Muse to venture down
The dark descent, and up to reascend,
Though hard and rare: thee I revisit safe,
And feel thy sovran vital Lamp; but thou
Revisit'st not these eyes, that rowle in vain
To find thy piercing ray, and find no dawn;
So thick a drop serene hath quencht thir Orbs,
Or dim suffusion veild. Yet not the more
Cease I to wander where the Muses haunt
Cleer Spring, or shadie Grove, or Sunnie Hill,
Smit with the love of sacred song; but chief
Thee Sion and the flowrie Brooks beneath
That wash thy hallowd feet, and warbling flow,
Nightly I visit: nor somtimes forget
Those other two equal'd with me in Fate,
So were I equal'd with them in renown.
Blind Thamyris and blind Mæonides,
And Tiresias and Phineus Prophets old.
Then feed on thoughts, that voluntarie move
Harmonious numbers; as the wakeful Bird
Sings darkling, and in shadiest Covert hid
Tunes her nocturnal Note. Thus with the Year
Seasons return, but not to me returns
Day, or the sweet approach of Ev'n or Morn,
Or sight of vernal bloom, or Summers Rose,
Or flocks, or herds, or human face divine;
But cloud in stead, and ever-during dark
Surrounds me, from the chearful waies of men
Cut off, and for the Book of knowledg fair
Presented with a Universal blanc
Of Natures works to mee expung'd and ras'd,
And wisdome at one entrance quite shut out.
So much the rather thou Celestial light
Shine inward, and the mind through all her powers
Irradiate, there plant eyes, all mist from thence
Purge and disperse, that I may see and tell
Of things invisible to mortal sight.

- Light, by John Milton

Light is what makes seeing possible, by the way.

This is a funny connection, to be sure, but to me the works of Milton strike me in about the same way as the works of H.P. Lovecraft. It's just the sheer tastiness of their language - the thickness of their verbiage and what each sentence points to in one's mind. The music of it. Lovecraft's specialty was of course prose, but those of you that have ever read his prose know that it reads like poetry. These guys were but two of the many authors that followed with me in my youth within the span of long summer days in a hammock swinging in my backyard. Languishing in reverie as I approached the perfumed gardens of Kled, or quivering with apprehension near the blackened Stygian pool - all in the space of an afternoon. And to wonder looking upwards what would come next... And to sink into a dream... Sweet.

A SEA OF MONSTERS

So indeed, we have just returned from seeing Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters.  Though I can't help thinking these Percy Jackson movies are formulaic re-inventions of Harry Potter, I do enjoy Hollywood's attempts at interpreting the Hellenic mythos in different ways.  At least they're trying.  Upon driving away from this movie, I was reminded of how much I just hung on every word of Clash of the Titans (the one that came out in 1981) when I watched it over and over again on HBO back when I was but a young toehead.  Needless to say, the ancient Greek gods and their stories resonate with the archetypal.  These are shadowy reflections of our deep minds, and as such they just feel right.  I often cringe at how far away these newer interpretations are from good old Edith Hamilton or Bullfinch's mythology.  The movie Immortals, for instance, was so beautiful from a cinematography point of view, but to me the gods were not given as much depth as they are certainly due.  But then I have to step back and remind myself that these thought forms are as malleable - if not ultimately more so - than any other thought form, and that legend draws to itself the trappings of each successive age to continue to tell its story.

A SONG OF MYSELF

So here I am - Dax Hays for 2013 - bleary-eyed - expectant for the dawn.  I really should be in bed by now, but I'm not.  I think too much of magick, mystery, sex and death.  Diversions. 

It's been a short week, what with Labor Day and all.  I've had a lot of three-day weekends here over the past month, and after this weekend will begin the steady rhythm of the standard Nazi 40-hour work week that I'm oh so used to.  But this is not a bad thing - in these trying times it is good to have steady work.  I ebb and flow.  I get things done.  I will survive.  My dream will endure and evolve until even I cannot recognize it anymore.  It's the way of things.  I can dig it...

Time for more valerian root and other sleep drugs.  Night.

DREAMS OF SURFACING

Over the past week, I've had at least 2 waking dreams in which it was as if I was at the bottom of a pool looking up to the surface of the water.  I could see calm lazy ripples there at the top along with a light, and I slowly rose toward them.  When I reached the top, I awakened.  They were both pleasant experiences.  The only difference that I can think of in my sleep regimen (other than some bouts of the usual insomnia) is that I have been taking some valerian root pills before bed.

I feel at peace today.  I had the last half of the day off for a dentist appointment during which the good doctor affixed a crown amidst my bottom teeth.  And now, I look out my window upon a beautiful sunny day.  I allow my mind to wander.  Despite all better judgment, I'm smoking a caramel macchiato-flavored shisha out of my faithful Egyptian hookah.  This one doesn't seem to be burning my throat at all, which is a good thing. 

MUTTERING TO MYSELF IN THE DARK

Insomnia has struck again, and so here I sit in the darkness of my girlfriend's living room at one in the morning muttering to myself and listening to Gregorian chants via YouTube.  It's like I'll get all settled down with numerous yawns and a fairly consistent relaxed feeling, but then the eyes refuse to stay closed...  And here I sit...

We just came back from watching The World's End at the Malco 12 in Fort Smith several hours ago, and by now, of course, all the other denizens of this dwelling have long fell into the sweetest of slumbers.  The film had its charm, to be sure, but it was no Shaun of the Dead.  Nonetheless, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost come through again as two guys that would be cool to just hang out and have a beer with. 

It's been quite hot over these last few weeks, but of course it is summertime.  Taking long walks is one of my favorite pastimes, but 90+ degree weather makes this near impossible to do and enjoy - even when the day is a sunny, happy occasion.  Most unfortunate.

I think again of my own mortality.  Someday, my form and my thoughts will inevitably cease to be.  Will some part of me live on, or will there be merely a silent encroaching oblivion?  My experiences with altered states of consciousness and out-of-body adventures predispose me toward ideas of the continuity of existence into some evolved step ad infinitum.  Even with this kind of faith, one has to wonder and marvel.  One day, I shall watch my final sunrise in this flesh.  And I shall cease to be..

Anyway...

BACK TO REALITY

There are so many processes I could have chronicled as of late but which I haven't here because honestly I'd forgotten about this blog!  I really need to pay it more heed, however, as it's a good exercise for me.

My girlfriend and I got back together, first of all.  We still don't live together, though, and we certainly aren't married.  However, as for my description back in February that the relationship was "unraveling," I suppose that was inaccurate.  We still dig each other's company.  I even took her and her boy to New Orleans and Florida recently for a little vacation.  It's all good.  However, I know that she is still upset with me for giving her an engagement ring quite some time ago but then moving out eventually and never sealing the deal.  She does not consider me officially as her "boyfriend" because of this.  I guess it's still somewhat complicated in that regard...

Spiritually, I see myself drifting back and forth into a "Dark Night of the Soul" type thing over these past few months.  I went from meditating often and doing my LBRP to getting the blahs and feeling my connection to the Source dwindle.  It's like a cloud going in front of the sun, but I keep the faith underneath it all and feel like this uncertainty will serve to strengthen my faith in the end.

Professionally, there may be a problem though.  My company's president (I work for a prominent mental health care provider in the state of Arkansas) just released a memo entitled "Organizational Restructuring" in which he speaks of what amounts to downsizing and "position elimination".  A couple of weeks ago or so, our Clinical Care Coordinator left the company abruptly and though he did give us a rather lengthy email in which he was blowing smoke up about everyone's toga, it was unclear as to why he split (he was one of those who liked the power and seemed rather entrenched in that position as the supervisor of all therapists) until now.  Seems like he knew something from the get-go that few of the rest of us did.  There will also be "salary caps" and no more annual raises.  Hence, I see the folks with talent jumping ship here soon enough, and the local job market will once again be glutted with therapists - if it isn't already by now.  Don't know what the damage is going to be overall yet, but it doesn't sound good.

I have to remind myself, though, that I'm in a good place fiscally.  I've no debts.  I've a nearly new car that's paid for.  The place where I stay is paid off.  There are many perks.  Job-wise, though, I'm in my comfort zone.  Perhaps these events are meant to spur me on to greater things.  Who knows...

HERE i GO AGAIN...

I'd all but forgotten about this blog for looks like over a year, and looking at other blogs that seems to be what happens in general oftentimes.  Time has clicked on by, but recently I have promised myself that I would focus more on cultivating daily habits which would lead to my greater sense of spirituality and self-expression.  Quite honestly, the inspiration for this all began with what appears to be the final death throes of my almost ten-year relationship with my girlfriend.  This unraveling has been happening for quite some time.  Out of respect, I do not wish to mention her name or say much about the affair.  What I can say is that breaking away from her has released a lot of energy in me - both physically and mentally.  Though we haven't lived together for over a year or more, I was still putting more energy into the relationship than I thought.  But enough about that...

Professionally, things have gone swimmingly.  I never thought I'd find a career that would fit me so well, engaging my heart as well as my mind.  There have been some snags along the way, but these have been surmountable and for the most part understood as part of the way of things.  Though I have to drive a good solid hour to the site and a good solid hour back every day (somewhere over 100 miles each weekday), I work well with the people that I'm with out there - and actually the distance helps greatly with preventing the awkwardness that is having to encounter a client outside the treatment milieu in public somewhere. 

So I'm off to reinvent myself once again.  What shall I do?  What forms will this new energy take?

1. The physical body.  I have already begun to get more consistent exercise via daily walks and sessions on the elliptical machine.  Changing the diet is more challenging, but generally I'm just reducing my portions pretty much.  Lately I've been consuming a lot of Clif Bars and Slim Fast shakes as meal replacements.
2. The mental body.  I've taken to downloading some really good audiobooks and listening to them during my hour-long drives to and from work.  I mostly favor non-fiction.  Some of my latest reads of this sort has been Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People as well as a set of lectures by the Buddhist scholar Jack Kornfield entitled The Jewel of Liberation.  I also read a bit at night before going to sleep.
3. The emotional body.  Basically spending time with my family and friends covers this one.  Honestly I draw a lot of emotional fulfillment from my job, though of course in turn it can also be very emotionally draining at times.
4. The spiritual body.  I'm finally returning consistently to meditation and the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram on a daily basis.  A type of meditation that I'm doing now involves me watching my breath, allowing my thoughts, and then when the thoughts begin to carry me away I tell myself silently that "these are your thoughts.  They are not you.  Allow them to pass."  That helps.  I also have a small digital cooking timer which I use to keep these meditation sessions at ten minutes apiece.

There are other goals that I need to make specific objectives for as well.  One really cool thing that I'm really compelled to do is to build a building here at our place wherein to shelter my musical equipment and give me and my friends a place to jam.  This house that we live in presently was poorly built in so many ways and doesn't have a good open area to leave my stuff set up in any manner of a useable fashion.  A setting apart is needed for this most important endeavor.

I'd like to do more writing as well, and breathing fresh life into this old blog is one way that I wish to revitalize that desire.  Writing takes attention and consistent focus to kindle the flames and build the rapport between the conscious and the unconscious processes. 

Putting this stuff out here to an audience that might actually read it helps in my mind to make me more accountable for some measure of progress.  I think it will help.

So wish me luck, friends.  And send me your ideas, if you have any!